Bystanders and allies

Being a bystander tends to refer to seeing something happen in a public setting. You may be a bystander when you are supporting someone when you see something and safely step in on the street or at an event. A bystander intervenes when it is safe to do so and generally relates to supporting someone after something has happened for a short period of time.

Being an ally means supporting someone you know, like a friend, family member or work colleague, over a period of time. An ally might check in on their friend to ask if they're ok. Being an ally usually means being more intimately involved in support the person, sometimes over a period of weeks, months or years.

Knowing what to do as an ally or bystander means that we can help the people around us while taking care of our own safety. The way you support someone may change depending on the circumstances, your relationship to the people involved and your ability to intervene safely.

Here are some things to remember as an ally:

• If they share with you that their partner is being abusive, believe them.
• Listen to what they have to say and don't try to problem-solve or give advice.
• Ask what you can do to help.
• Don't judge them. It can take a number of attempts before someone leaves, and not every one can or wants to.
• Let them know that you'll be there for them.

In any situation, if you think someone is in danger call the police on Triple Zero (000).

You can learn more about how to be an active bystander or ally here.

1. Recognise red flags of an unhealthy relationship or domestic and family violence.
2. Respond by asking, listening, documenting, supporting and standing beside.
3. Reassure the person you are supporting that violence is NEVER the fault of the victim-survivor.
4. Respect whatever decision they make and allow them to regain a sense of control over their life. They will most likely know what is safest for them.
5. Refer by educating the person experiencing violence about the different types of support services available, including 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).
6. Recover by taking care of yourself. Domestic and family violence is upsetting and after hearing about it you may feel sad, angry, or helpless. Self-care is key.

There are many reasons why women don’t leave but it’s often because all their choices have been taken away, they are isolated from friends and family and they can’t see any other option. It may be that they are carefully managing the risk by staying in the relationship so that they know where their partner is and actively managing safety.

It may be shame, self-esteem, the impacts of complex trauma, access to financial resources or a safe affordable place to live. It might be pressure from people in her community, extended family, religion or fear of being completely disconnected from support networks. Not every victim-survivor wants to leave a relationship, most say that they just want the abuse to stop.

The violence and abuse experienced by victim-survivors is never their fault and it’s always a choice when perpetrators use violence. We know that when a woman leaves a violent relationship that it’s often the most dangerous time. We also know that it may take many attempts to leave, on average its 7.

For many, the abusive dynamic continues long after the relationship has ended, particularly when there’s an ongoing connection because of children.

1. Denying gender inequality is a problem
2. Condoning male peer relations involving aggression and disrespect towards women
3. Undermining women's independence and decision making in private life
4. Undermining women's independence and decision making in public life
5. Promoting rigid gender roles, stereotypes and expressions

(Reference:Our Watch, Change The Story.)